Chasing the White Whale (Pt. 1): Closure

"I'll be done with it once I can get closure."

Most of us have heard this or said it ourselves. In this day and age, the internet, social media, and dating apps all leave a lot of room to question someone's motives. Why did they break up with me? Why did they ghost me? Why did my friend block me out of the blue? Many of us have been left with questions after a sudden end to a relationship.

However, while we often think about what we gain from having closure, we don't think about what we lose from seeking it. I call it a "white whale" for this reason (in reference to Moby Dick): oftentimes, seeking closure can quickly spiral into obsession, consuming our minds and spare time. It becomes ruminative and intrusive. I am not a proponent of seeking closure, in short.

Some of us are searching far and wide for answers

I often challenge anyone who expresses a deep "need" (really, desire) to seek closure by also questioning what they will gain once they obtain it. Peace of mind? Maybe. But if the reason for closure was the other party's fear of conflict or confrontation, their dissatisfaction with their relationship to you, even simply their lack of time...what will you gain from knowing that? Oftentimes, even if the other party was dissatisfied with you (usually considered the worst case scenario for most of us), it doesn't mean they were correct about you. Their criticisms belong to them and do not necessarily reflect the truth.

The reason I write about closure has a lot to do with the inability to sit with uncertainty. All of us live and die with questions, some major and some minor. Whether it's why your best friend of twenty years suddenly stopped talking to you or whether a guy on a dating app ghosted you, being left high and dry is painful. But obsession over closure often adds to our pain, does not provide us with answers, and in the rare case that it does, is often not as deeply satisfying as we assumed.

If you are reading this and seeking closure about somebody or something - take this as your sign! What can you lose by seeking closure? What can you gain by accepting uncertainty, as uncomfortable as it is? I challenge you to reflect on this.